An Open Letter to Fox

Dear A-Holes,

Are you kidding me with this? We’re all struggling to keep our families safe and healthy, to stay at home, to not go out of our minds. And what are you doing? What kind of nonsense are you contributing to the world at this point? What severe lack of judgment are you showing?

I have kids. Two of them. I’m doing my best to keep them safe and hopeful for a brighter future. And you are not helping.

What in the world are you doing, making us wait all this time for another episode of Lego Masters? Like I said, I have kids. And I’m trying to keep them safe. And sane. But here’s the problem. They’re boys. They’re inherently crazy. And dangerous. And all that has been amped up to 11 at this precarious time in history. Did you know boys like to wrestle? And fight? They’re ridiculous little human beings and they can’t stop sitting on each other or smacking each other or body-slamming each other in the trampoline like they’re at Lollapalooza in ’93.

It is a full-time job (with zero benefits)  to keep these maniacs from murdering one other.

And I can’t take them to a hospital! I can’t take them to get medical treatment of any kind. No clinics, no doctor’s office, nothing. If they get injured, I’m going to have to rig up a rudimentary Civil War-style field hospital in my living room to treat their injuries. And nobody wants that. It won’t go well. Whiskey sedatives and kitchen knives half-cauterized over an open flame are not appropriate elements of medical equipment to heal wounded children.

For one hour a week, they are rapt. They are quiet. They are zombified. They are preoccupied by Will Arnett’s one-liners and the adorable bickering of Sam and Jessica, the hyped-up teamwork of Mark and Boone, the incredible Lego snobbishness of Tyler and Amy. They are not sitting on each other or trying to bend each other into pretzel shapes. For one lousy precious hour each week. And what do you do? You take that hour away from us.

Did I mention they like to sit on top of each other? Like, all the time?

Look, I’m a fan. I appreciate a lot of things you’ve done over the years. Parker Lewis Can’t Lose. 21 Jump Street. Herman’s Head. And what would my generation be without Beverly Hills, 90210? But for all these great contributions to pop culture, this week, you have utterly failed.

Want to make it up to me? I better see Kiefer Sutherland in 24: Pandemic during the 2020-2021 TV season. (That’s a joke, but I do want 10% if that actually happens.) Also, another season of Lego Masters. It’s the least you could do after pulling these shenanigans and letting us all down.

Wait—what?

It airs tonight? And the theme is Star Wars? Yes! Why didn’t you say so?

I’ve still got my eye on you …

Sincerely,

Concerned Dad of Two Raucous Boys

(and Former President of the Midwest Chapter of the Parker Lewis Can’t Lose Fan Club)