New Year's Resolutions

Hey there, 2014. Let’s do this.

Most people would agree that, generally, new year’s resolutions are useless. Stupid. People don’t stick to them. They’re these pie-in-the-sky ideas, too ambitious, too lofty. But if there’s one thing I’ve learned about being a parent it’s that you must learn about being a parent. 

If you can’t learn from your experiences—and in particular, your mistakes and failures because, come on, there’s so many of those to choose from—then you are doomed to just repeat those mistakes and failures over and over again, ad nauseum, with each subsequent kid. And won’t that be fun.

So here we go, in no particular order:

Try to be more Zen. Accept that for the foreseeable future, your 1-year-old will care more for a cartoon rabbit on TV than for you. (Yeah, I’m talking about you Peter Rabbit, you furry little shit.) Also, you will never find all the Cheerios that have been hidden in the couch. Get over it. Oh, and at least once a week your feet will randomly stick to the floor. Deal with it.

Drink more.

And get in shape already. If you get winded carrying your kid up the stairs, you are deathly unhealthy.

As ugly as they are, you should really probably invest in those athletic straps to keep your glasses on your head, because otherwise Little Brother is going to rip them off your face and smash them, like the miniature schoolyard bully he so clearly is.

Spend less time oohing and ahhing over baby photos. They’re in the room with you. Engage with them. (Ahem, Wife.)

Start sneaking toys out of the house in the middle of the night. Then feign ignorance about their disappearance. They’ll get over it. Eventually.

For god’s sake, man, keep your beard more trim. When you neglect that grooming, you are just asking for all that painful tugging that Little Brother is so fond of doing.

Drink more. Oh wait, did I already say that?

When you start to get annoyed and want to scream at them, try to think of the Menendez Brothers. And then attempt to reason with them more calmly.

Have more dates. You are a couple and not just parents. Wine on the couch in sweatpants while binge-watching Game of Thrones is not a date. Not really. Stop convincing yourselves that it is. You were fun once. You did stuff. You went out. Stop being so old.

Train your 5-year-old to mow the lawn. That’ll work out, right?

Stop crying. All the time. Seriously. Get it together, man.

Okay, so a year is a long time. We’ll see how it goes. Of course, these days they seem to be flying by. So I better get cracking. I’m angling for Father of the Year in 2014. Okay, too high. Too lofty. Halfway Decent Father of the Year 2014. That’s doable. I think.

Hey, kids. Aim low. That’s my best parental advice.

(Think it’s going to be a long year. Strap in.)