Dear Peter,
So, my 1-year-old son is obsessed with you. Obsessed. And it’s starting to worry me.
Plain and simple, I do not think that you are a good role model. I know watching
you calms him down enough so that we can keep him from wiggling around for 30 seconds to clip all his toenails and fingernails. I suppose that’s worth
something. But I definitely worry about the “lessons” that you’re imparting to
him.
I’m worried he’s starting to think he is a rabbit himself.
God help us when he chooses to act on this impulse by smack-talking a fox or a
badger out in the woods. That’s not going to end well for anybody.
What kind of lifestyle choices are these? How many
close-calls and near-misses do you think you can really have before a
pitchfork-wielding human, a crafty fox, or a giant badger gets the better of
you? How long do you think you can keep this going? All you do is thieve and
antagonize larger, meaner creatures. Every day, all day. What kind of plan is
this? Where’s the future in this?
Where are you headed?
Which begs the question, why aren’t you in school? Your
“community” seems to have all the other trappings of civilization. But not once
have I seen you in a school. What gives?
Also, why do you wear a coat but no pants? This I really
don’t understand. Is this why my kid loves to run around naked? How are you not
freezing all the time?
According to your origin story, your father was caught by
Mr. McGregor and baked into a pie. Have you gleaned absolutely nothing from
this history? Have you heard the phrase “history repeats itself”?
My main concern is that my son won’t be able to separate
your adventures from reality. What you’re doing is providing entertainment.
Which is fine, I suppose. But you also appear alongside Dora and
Diego and those kids from Team Umizoomi which gives the mistaken impression that you’re providing some educational benefit. But I really don’t see much call in my son’s
future for mocking woodland creatures and stealing vegetables from someone
else’s garden.
By the way, you spend so much time in that garden, have you not
picked up even a rudimentary understanding of how to grow your own crops? Is
this a side effect of not being in school? Are you learning impaired? Or just
averse?
And don’t even get me started on poor Benjamin. That kid
will follow you anywhere in completely blind adoration. But here’s the thing:
he’s not nearly as clever you are. One of these days you are going to get him
killed. Do you want that blood on your hands? Do you?
You even bring danger right to your door sometimes. Do you
ever think about the consequences of your actions? You have a family to think
about. Your mother, your sisters, do you ever think about them when you’re out
in the world causing mischief? Are they just collateral?
In conclusion, thank you for keeping my son’s attention
occupied for 23-minute stretches so his mother and I can think about something
else for a moment, check Facebook, doze off, drink wine. But seriously, would
it hurt to do something else than steal? To think about someone besides
yourself? Maybe you could go to school someday. Or plant your own garden. Hell,
I’d settle for just one episode where you decide to wear a pair of pants. That
would be a nice change of pace.
Sincerely,
A Concerned Parent
(I’ll be watching you. Literally. Because this kid will have a complete meltdown if we don’t.)
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