Life at the Tuggery

This particular post exists to be educational. Hopefully. It's squarely aimed at all hipster types, indie musicians, and general Brooklynites who might be thinking of becoming fathers. It could be a good idea to invest in a reliable beard trimmer.

This may sound like odd advice, but from someone who's been there, trust me when I say this: your kid will tug on your beard. It is inevitable. And fairly unpleasant. If you have full, thick, Serpico-style facial hair, trust me, it will hurt like hell when little tiny fingers reach up and intertwine with those follicles, giving them a serious yank. Hard.

You've never known such pain.

I found this guide in the Times to be an excellent resource for this essential new dad purchase. My own trimmer has routinely helped me thwart the beard-tugging antics of my own offspring. It was a proud day when my son reached up and tried to go for the beard, only to find that his wee digits could find no purchase, that the scraggly landscape which had been so welcoming was now far less dense and far more difficult to grasp. Ahh, the sweet taste of victory. Sucker.

Yes, I am divining satisfaction from outsmarting a toddler. Don't judge me. Just wait until it's you. You'll get it.