Hey there, 2014. Let’s do this.
Most people would agree that, generally, new year’s resolutions are useless. Stupid. People don’t stick to
them. They’re these pie-in-the-sky ideas, too ambitious, too lofty. But
if there’s one thing I’ve learned about being a parent it’s that you must learn about being a parent.
If you can’t learn from your experiences—and in
particular, your mistakes and failures because, come on, there’s so many of those to choose
from—then you are doomed to just repeat those mistakes and failures over and over again, ad nauseum, with each subsequent kid. And won’t that be fun.
So here we go, in no particular order:
Try to be more Zen. Accept that for the foreseeable future, your 1-year-old will
care more for a cartoon rabbit on TV than for you. (Yeah, I’m talking about you
Peter Rabbit, you furry little shit.) Also, you will never find all the Cheerios that have been hidden in the couch. Get over it. Oh, and at least once a week your feet will randomly stick to the floor. Deal with it.
Drink more.
And get in shape already. If you get winded carrying your kid up the
stairs, you are deathly unhealthy.
As ugly as they are, you should really probably invest in
those athletic straps to keep your glasses on your head, because otherwise
Little Brother is going to rip them off your face and smash them, like the
miniature schoolyard bully he so clearly is.
Spend less time oohing and ahhing over baby photos. They’re in the room with you. Engage with them. (Ahem, Wife.)
Start sneaking toys out of the house in the middle of the
night. Then feign ignorance about their disappearance. They’ll get over it.
Eventually.
For god’s sake, man, keep your beard more trim. When you neglect that grooming, you are just asking for all that painful tugging that Little Brother is so fond of doing.
Drink more. Oh wait, did I already say that?
When you start to get annoyed and want to scream at them, try to think of the
Menendez Brothers. And then attempt to reason with them more calmly.
Have more dates. You are a couple and not just parents. Wine
on the couch in sweatpants while binge-watching Game of Thrones is not a date.
Not really. Stop convincing yourselves that it is. You were fun once. You did
stuff. You went out. Stop being so old.
Train your 5-year-old to mow the lawn. That’ll work out, right?
Stop crying. All the time. Seriously. Get it together, man.
Okay, so a year is a long time. We’ll see how it goes. Of course,
these days they seem to be flying by. So I better get cracking. I’m angling for Father of
the Year in 2014. Okay, too high. Too lofty. Halfway Decent Father of the Year
2014. That’s doable. I think.
Hey, kids. Aim low. That’s my best parental advice.
